Cubicle Catch-Up

I’m so excited… and I just can’t hide it! I scared Schroeder the cat yesterday by bouncing around the house; this is definitely a change from last week when I was seeking coffee and chocolate or simply anything to help me wake up. I was really tired last night, but that’s because I have not been sleeping that much; up too late writing and do other interesting things. I also probably have a little bit of lingering effects from Lyme’s, and not exercising, but I got out yesterday and did at least 20 minutes of walking with Bean. It’s hard, I’m shockingly out of shape, but we’re on the road to recovery.

I want to write for Orion. I want to become an Eco-Mom Alliance leader. I want to read the blogs I want to read, on my own time, and the only consequence is my own delay in getting my things done, not guilt and fear of being found wasting company time. I find the internet and computer to be USEFUL items for my own writing, not just endless time sucks that lead to reading, reading other people’s stuff. The deal is that it’s NOT a television, it asks for involvement. And I can be involved, can write my own things, reach out, be active, grow new opportunities. Indeed.

I’ve told 3 people so far about my job, as a possible opportunity for them. That feels good; I will help anyone I can find work at this place if it’s a good fit for them. There’s so much potential here that just wasn’t mine to use; I need to do other things and it just feels SO GOOD to admit that!

I know it will be hard work to drum up business and make some income, but I am motivated to do it, and that is the difference. No more guilt, fear and shame. I will maintain connections and perhaps do small related things, but I will no longer be embarrassed by my level of motivation and work. I will do things as they fit into my life, writing when I can and when I need to; flexibility is the key. And sure, maybe I will miss these quiet uninterrupted blocks of time, but the fact is I’m simply NOT using them very well; mornings are hard for me, I dull my senses of needing and being with Kelton, I feel dead and dull and tired and sad and guilty and like I SHOULD appreciate it more, blah, blah, blah. I don’t want to feel like I’m stealing my own time, my own brain power by being here but being distracted. It is definitely a gift to have time, but BLAH. I will grant myself the gift of a little more time, on my own, with Bean at Deb’s 2 days a week, shorter days, if things look OK there. If not, we’ll figure something else out. Maybe I can be more helpful there and that will be good.

OK, really, onward to my day!