Honeymoon must continue

Ok, so it's now been a whole week since I talked to my boss and gave everyone the news. I'm still feeling good, but just TODAY had my first little bits of, um, starting to worry about whattheheckhaveIdoneohmygosh! Yes, well, I was expecting that. And even underneath all that, I do still have this fairly strong feeling that things will just be OK. Maybe it was the universe and all those crazy signs, maybe it's just because it was SO time and this is what I'm doing and so there should be no second guessing.

Yes, there definitely isn't time for second guessing. That was last week, when I was busy celebrating and telling people my big news. It felt really good; even saw Katrina and she had tears in her eyes for me... so happy. She said, "Welcome Home!" And that was good. Her intuition tells her that things will go just fine for me, that I will find work and be approached to do good things. Indeed!

But WF stayed up late the other night pinning down the finanaces, and started the next day with a declaration of how much we could be short each month. Gulp. I was actually trying to avoid those specifics again; I've seen then before, and they scare me. So, I stayed up way too late last night looking at all the things I have to do, things that I must now be very self-motivated about, things I must organize and apply for and juggle and keep straight? How will I do that? Will I have time and energy? I do think so. Just look at this week! I've gotten up early to exercise nearly every day, I'm feeling much better, I have not been fighting with WF, etc etc. Sure, there will be some downsides, there were definitely benefits from my past job, but I finally made the leap and decided to go for this. It's giving me more energy, more creativity, more joy already, I think. Of course, it's not yet quite "real" and I have time to finish things up and I suppose have plenty of second thoughts, but I will not stress about them, I will not be sad, I will move forward. Manifest, manifest, manifest!

And to bed, now. Peace....

Cubicle Reminders

Yes, I currently have my own "office", a fairly nice corner cubicle with a window (albeit behind me, with a lovely view of the sky, parking lot, maintenance bays and reactor deck). I rarely look out the window because it's higher than the desk level, and because the furniture is arranged so my back is to the window; there's just no other good way to do it, but it's bad.

I have shelves and drawers and stashes of tea bags, etc, and even a very nice electric tea kettle that I can't use at home during the winter becasue of electricity issues. I can come and go pretty much as I please, with the bathroom down the hall and the break room down the hall the other way. I have pictures of WF and Bean on the wall, along with a little bit of Sivertson's calendar art and misc stuff. It is my space, but I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SPACE ANYMORE!

I can see that I was much more vital in the past, with a bit more active to-do lists, etc. I know I was once much more enthusiastic to have this job, more motivated to do things, more appreciative of the structure and co-workers and larger organization I was proud to be a part of. I still think it is a good place to work, and I've been very lucky with many of the flexibility elements that I have, even if some of them make me feel really guilty.

But here I am, trying to get busy, just NOT wanting to do these work things. The cubicle definitely has a stale energy aspect to it, and the feng shui is just not right. I have spent far too much time here feeling sad, guilty, frustrated, tired, bored, guilty, sad, frustrated, etc etc etc. Enough!! I know I could feel like that somewhere else, too, or even worse, but I'm feeling moved to leave this place behind and strike out on my own somewhere else. Yes, perhaps scary, it's a risk, but it's so time. I'm so lucky to have this opportunity.

This space will be really nice for someone else. Yes, I will miss this place in town, this possiblity of a locker and a cup of tea and even as shower, but those are not reasons to tie myself to a place I do not like, where I no longer feel useful, where the even mundane, easy work takes monumental self-convincing to get done most days.

So, nice as it is to have a "home base" in town, self, PLEASE do not lament the loss of this space in the future. I will have different home bases, mobile home bases, locations with free wifi and drinking fountains and restrooms; it will be OK. I may not have regular co-workers, but I will have LLL associates, WF, Bean, Mothersong, maybe ECFE, maybe other mother's groups. It will be so good.

And now, I go and try to make myself do some more "official" work writing. Because we do all have the right to work that excites us, but we also just have to do some mundane, not-so-bad things, too, eh?

Cubicle Catch-Up

I’m so excited… and I just can’t hide it! I scared Schroeder the cat yesterday by bouncing around the house; this is definitely a change from last week when I was seeking coffee and chocolate or simply anything to help me wake up. I was really tired last night, but that’s because I have not been sleeping that much; up too late writing and do other interesting things. I also probably have a little bit of lingering effects from Lyme’s, and not exercising, but I got out yesterday and did at least 20 minutes of walking with Bean. It’s hard, I’m shockingly out of shape, but we’re on the road to recovery.

I want to write for Orion. I want to become an Eco-Mom Alliance leader. I want to read the blogs I want to read, on my own time, and the only consequence is my own delay in getting my things done, not guilt and fear of being found wasting company time. I find the internet and computer to be USEFUL items for my own writing, not just endless time sucks that lead to reading, reading other people’s stuff. The deal is that it’s NOT a television, it asks for involvement. And I can be involved, can write my own things, reach out, be active, grow new opportunities. Indeed.

I’ve told 3 people so far about my job, as a possible opportunity for them. That feels good; I will help anyone I can find work at this place if it’s a good fit for them. There’s so much potential here that just wasn’t mine to use; I need to do other things and it just feels SO GOOD to admit that!

I know it will be hard work to drum up business and make some income, but I am motivated to do it, and that is the difference. No more guilt, fear and shame. I will maintain connections and perhaps do small related things, but I will no longer be embarrassed by my level of motivation and work. I will do things as they fit into my life, writing when I can and when I need to; flexibility is the key. And sure, maybe I will miss these quiet uninterrupted blocks of time, but the fact is I’m simply NOT using them very well; mornings are hard for me, I dull my senses of needing and being with Kelton, I feel dead and dull and tired and sad and guilty and like I SHOULD appreciate it more, blah, blah, blah. I don’t want to feel like I’m stealing my own time, my own brain power by being here but being distracted. It is definitely a gift to have time, but BLAH. I will grant myself the gift of a little more time, on my own, with Bean at Deb’s 2 days a week, shorter days, if things look OK there. If not, we’ll figure something else out. Maybe I can be more helpful there and that will be good.

OK, really, onward to my day!

Day One

So, today is the first day of the rest of my life, heh. That's how WF greeted me yesterday. So, today, I went for a walk in the woods with Bean on my back, and it was good. I felt so much more open, like I could finally think and absorb my surroundings. It was beautiful, a perfect weather day. I even felt benevolent toward leaving someday, maybe soon, leaving to to someone who would take care of it.

Bean feel asleep, and I was drawn into little forays into the state land, nothing too daring. Then, I came across a neon yellow golf ball, sitting in the middle of a downed log on the ground; not an easy place to see, nowhere near anywhere someone might be hitting golf balls. Oddly disturbing, because it was so out of place. Cancer? But naw, not growing, just sitting. I picked it up, because how could I not?

But I guess I got distracted and ended up off the vague trail, and then wandered completely off the trail! I got good and throughly lost, actually. Bean was asleep as I bushwacked through progressively thicker brush. I found a little stream, more open areas, stumps, more big ferns, alder thickets, and finally an old barbed wire fence that led me out toward the road, south of Rosie's house! Wow. What did THAT mean?

I can only guess that it perhaps was a message; be careful and watch the path, or you'll end up wandering in the wilderness for a while. I couldn't give up, even though I was getting a bit scared and just wanted to be home (Bean is getting heavy!) I felt really and truly lost, and I suppose I was. But then I did follow a few guides (like road noise and barking dog) and ended up not where I expected, but somewhere workable, nonetheless. I got home, we were fine, it was a nice adventure.

Huh. This universe is pretty darn smart! I will perserve, even if I get a couple "votes of no confidence" like from Susie today, who called me about a meeting tomorrow at a low moment, and I confessed I was not sure how I'd handle being home with a toddler and a cat every day. She told me that it would not live up to my fond expectations, but that nothing would. Gee, thanks.

But even if I had tired moments and missed the expected nap window for productivity today, we also had some very good times; in the woods, on the bed, nursing on the floor, laughing in the yard and on the deck. Kelton is my love, my son, my bean, my lovey-bean. I can focus more on being his momma now, and on being the best momma I can be. Blessed be!

The next steps

So, here I am, back again almost exactly 3 years later! I've rescued the blog from oblivion, and will use it to document this new way.

What is my new way? I have GIVEN NOTICE at my "day job", a move I've been considering for, oh, about 4 years now. I've been there for 5.5 years. It's such a "good" job! And yes. It's true.

But my life is different now, and I'm going to honor that. I'm going to be brave. Maybe a bit crazy, but that's part of bravery, after all!

My mission: to work for myself and my family. To be strong and brave and accountable. To have energy for the things I want to have energy for. To lose the guilt over distraction and outside interests. To work hard for things that matter to me. To be a more present mother, wife and friend. To "keep" my home. To celebrate my freedom. To honor my family. To further my community!

And so. There will be more posts. There will be musings. If you are a family member and you find this, please don't freak out! I need a place to post a few things and do a little writing that won't enter the family grapevine quite so quickly. So, here we are.

It's late, so, blessings to me and the world and this blog, and onward!!!!!!

A New Beginning

A new blog for a new audience. Not entirely sure what it's for, yet, not sure if I'll have time to keep this up with another budding blog as well. Lex, 10-2006

Feeling brave and strong and glad I admitted I needed this right now. I want to be a better partner, want to be more productive, want to be HAPPY sometimes! I'm not feeling teflon-coated yet, just unexcitable, blah, not getting stuff done. Grrr.

So, onward to adventure and excitement, and PEACE!